Why Pittsboro?
I had a friend. Had is the key word. He was my best friend. He lived about 30 minutes away but we’d still hang out every weekend, drink beer, and muse about the universe as people who drink often do when they are together. Over the years something changed. My friend, who was going through some things at home, started to demand more and more of me. At first, I gave in to their wishes. But over time I started to resent my buddy. I was still hanging out on the weekends. By that point it was mostly out of habit and the fact that I honestly didn’t have much else to do. Then, one day they pushed me too far and I drew a healthy boundary. My friend who felt entitled to cross that boundary and we had a big blow out. It was the kind where things are never the same again.
I heard through the grapevine that things weren’t going so well for my buddy, and ultimately he wound up going through a divorce. Like all people who go through a divorce, he had to rebuild his life. A year later I got a text from my buddy. It was a very brief exchange, but ultimately it informed me that he moved to my small hometown, and he planned to be cordial when we invariably bump into each other and he expected the same of me.
Pittsboro is a great town. It’s quirky. It’s the county seat for a county that is half ultra progressive center for the arts and half ultra traditional farming community. The little downtown has old time diners, country antique shops and half a dozen breweries and bars. My friend, who has a quirky personality, matches this town so it wasn’t entirely shocking they chose to relocate here. That being said, I still couldn’t figure out why they picked Pittsboro versus all the other options.
The first option they had was to stay in their hometown, a large suburb of Raleigh where my friend, who is a big time extravert, has a large network of close personal friends. Many people would choose to stick close to their support structure. Additionally, the former spouse moved away so it’s not like my buddy was going to see his ex wife. I know from past experience, it’s a pain to have to drive a half hour every weekend to see your friends or to get together for dinner during the week. Also, if you wanted a change, this Raleigh suburb is so dense, you could move two miles away and it’d feel like a whole new community. Staying in their hometown made sense.
Now, like I said, my friend is quirky. If they wanted to change they could have done tons of things that fit their personality. One thing to keep in mind is that my former best friend has a skill set that can be utilized anywhere in the world. That means there are virtually unlimited international options. International makes sense. Another important point is that my former friend just went through a divorce from a long term marriage where there were considerable marital assets. My guess is the former friend had anywhere from $150K to $250K cash just sitting in a bank account. That is an amazing nest egg that can be used to build a completely different life anywhere in the world.
I thought of some crazy international options right off the top of my head. My friend could have moved to some Mediterranean mecca like Santorini and worked in the tourist trade. They would absolutely love European island culture. Also, Knowing my friend’s snarky nature, they could have rented one of the traditional Santorini round roofed homes and would have loved telling anyone and everyone they live in a “Boob House!”
On that note, they could have moved to Ireland. My friend is a huge drinker and likes cold weather. I could see them becoming an expert in every pub in Ireland, not just on the beers but also on the ones where you’ll probably see the best bar fights (some of which I’m sure my friend would have had a part in starting).
My ex-buddy could have moved to Sydney and watched surfers all day. I could see him either enjoying surfing himself, or just getting a job where he could watch the bikini clad female surfers all day.
The bottom line is that my former friends’ options are unlimited! California, Alaska, Van Life, Anything that you can imagine they could have done. This is why I can’t see why they chose to be shackled to this area. If it were me, I’m thinking Mexico or somewhere else in the Caribbean. I would try to find a little beachfront bar and sell drinks on the beach. That’s me, but the point is if my life of nearly a quarter century blew up, and I had the money and skills to go anywhere, I’d be considering everywhere.
So why not do the big move? There were a few reasons. I think one of them was the big lie. In this case I can see my old friend saying they wanted to stay close to their child. The problem with that argument is that the child is an adult. A young adult, but an adult. Also, the adult child lives over an hour away. Like most adults, they are living their own life. The child has a significant other and all sorts of demands on their own time. It’s to the point where my friend has complained that they never see their child. I can see the desire for a close relationship, but it doesn’t exist and most likely won’t for a long long time until the adult child decides to settle down and start a family, if that ever happens. Also, the adult child can simply travel wherever my friend wound up.
I think another big reason is fear of the unknown. Like the big lie, this one is another false reason. We live in the information age. Over time and with planning all the major unknowns are mostly known. You could learn anything about any of the destinations in the world. It’s all there. Additionally, with just a little bit of cash, you could do exploratory trips. Also, by the very nature of going through a divorce after a long term marriage, you have overcome fear of the unknown.
And that’s the point of this whole story. The question about having to start over, and the best way to do it. By all accounts my buddy isn’t doing anything other than living their old life only without the challenges of their spouse. A spouse who, for the record, did exactly what I’m suggesting here. They are in a new relationship and even though they have stayed relatively local, they have started a whole new lifestyle that’s about as far from suburban Raleigh as you can get. So why didn’t my former buddy do it, or perhaps more importantly, what could they have done to start a new life?
For an educated person, my friend, unlike their former spouse, didn’t dare to dream big. Their ex dreamed very big and has achieved a massive lifestyle change. My former friend simply dreamed “A life without my spouse” and that’s what they got. I’ll pat myself on the back here and say one of the things my old buddy lost when they shut me out was the little voice that, unlike all the other friends, would have said “Ok, and then what?” throughout the divorce process. I would have asked that question over and over in many different ways. I would have brought up all the places they could move. I would have pushed my friend to consider their longer term options and plans. I would have filled in the role of the former spouse in this regard.
After a few decades of someone else making the big plans and having the big ideas, I guess my old friend wasn’t in the habit of it. Maybe, since they got married so young, they never did learn how to have a strategic vision for their life. I know I would have got them thinking about their future plans beyond divorce.
The takeaway from all this, beyond the obvious “when relocating, try not to move to a town where you have to ask people to be cordial to you” is that if you are going to make a change, make sure you understand exactly why, and what it entails and then make the most of it. If I were a betting man, I’m going to say that all the emotional displeasure with their former married life will rear its head again. Mostly because I don’t think the core issue was his marriage. Remember we were best friends. I knew the guy as well as anyone. I think the malaise he was feeling about his marriage was actually more related to an existential crisis. He wasn’t a career climber, so after the child was out of the house, he didn’t have a reason for his existence. Without a reason to exist, you don’t have goals. If you don’t have goals, then developing a strategic plan is impossible. At this point all the big changes in your life are just window dressing. They look good but really amount to nothing.
If we were still buddies, these days I’d be asking them “But what do you want to do for the rest of your life?” again and again in many different ways until it sunk in. I’d point out when their words don’t match their actions, something that my buddy was notorious for. I think, eventually, I’d be able to nudge them a bit more quickly to whatever is really next for them. But we aren’t close anymore and I don’t think a quick “How ya doin” or a cordial nod at the downtown diner is going to help them in any way. Still, whether they know it or not, they are continuing to help me with my life. They’ve taught me that if I’m going to make a big change in my life, I damn sure better know why I really want to do it, and then when I pull the trigger, I better make the most of it. Life’s too short for anything else.
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